I have lived my entire life as a "way gook-in" or "outsider/foreigner." When my parents moved to Taejon when I was just a two-year old I obviously had no idea of the implications that growing up as a Third Culture Kid (TCK) would have on my life. At that point I only knew that when we went to the market I was constantly bombarded by "Ah-ju-mas" pinching my cheeks saying, "ee pu ra," leaving my little chubby cheeks pink and aching. I didn't realize the only reason they noticed me was because I was a novelty, a little blond doll to be played with, or maybe a story to tell their families when they went home that day.
When we were old enough, my older sister and I were enrolled and attended a "Yoo chi wan" or Korean kindergarten while my parents were working at Korean Christian Academy (TCIS). Apparently, and I only found this out recently when I was complaining to my parents about the fact that my siblings and I do not speak Korean, we came home every day crying from Korean kindergarten because we were treated badly by our Korean classmates. Looking back I'm sure it was all harmless kid stuff, but I think through those instances I was being sent a message: To Korea and Koreans I am a foreigner, an outsider, and I always will be.
Moving to Seoul and attending Seoul Foreign School made being a foreigner easier because although I was an outsider in the surrounding country's culture, I was accepted within that community of expatriates, who were all "way gook-ins." It was in this community that I was raised and began to develop my world-view and belief system. My parents are both missionary kids, my dad to Korea and my mom to Colombia, so I was raised in a third culture family in which my parents stressed the importance of a multi-cultural world view, while at the same time stressing the importance of maintaining a Christian world view. I think my spiritual journey throughout middle school and high school was pretty typical. I began to question and search on my own in middle school and then in high school I spent a couple years wandering, trying to find an identity for myself apart from God. It was during these two years that I experienced intense moments of pain, hurt, and loneliness, and my personality slowly became less and less like the idea of who I knew I truly was and who I thought I could and should be.
So throughout these high school years I had come to terms with my own foreignness, and the idea that I would never be "American" while at the same time never be "Korean." It was only until I went back to the USA for college that I realized how much being a third culture kid had impacted my life and world view. It was during those first weeks of college orientation that I realized that I was a "hidden immigrant" as TCK expert Dave Pollock calls them. I looked like the people around me and could easily assimilate physically with those around me, but inside I was radically different. Everything was so different. When I went to church I realized that the people in the USA worshiped differently and for all intensive purposes it seemed like my friends were totally ok with being Christians for only one day of the week! This was extremely discouraging for me, having only accepted Christ in my senior year of high school and expecting that at my small Christian college I would be able to be around solid people who were sincere in their beliefs and living the redeemed life they claimed to have.
Because of this crushed expectation I developed a deep cynicism both for Americans and American Christians. When we went into chapel and I saw people raise their hands in praise and then I would see them later in the dorm dropping the F• bomb when they were killed in a video game. I began to see their hypocrisy as a blanket statement for all Christians and I decided that I really didn't want a part of it. My cynicism was uncontrollable and pervasive within my spirit.
It was during a spiritual revival at my school that I reassessed my spiritual life and realized that I could not continue to base my view of Christianity on how other Christians behaved or how they lived their lives. My realization mainly consisted of understanding the fact that at the end of the day, when my time on Earth is over, the only person I can answer for is myself. It doesn't matter whether John Doe was a hypocrite, so why would I allow his misjudgment or apathetic faith to affect mine? I prayed for God to take away my cynicism and allow me to live my life like the redeemed person that I knew I was. After that revival I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders and my cynicism was taken away from me. It is the most real spiritual intervention that I have ever experienced.
I have since come to realize that although I will always be a "way gook-in" here in Korea and also in the USA, there is one person who will never see me as an "outsider." There is one person who will understand me completely to the core of my American/Korean TCK being. A person whose love is so complete he sees beyond world views and cultures, speaking directly to us as individuals in desperate need of forgiveness and acceptance. I believe that person is Jesus Christ and that he lay down his life for us two thousand years ago, so that we could experience a life-altering relationship with him here, now.
